Ninna

I'm leaving this blogg-portal now, because though it's been half a year, I still haven't quite come to terms with it. I have moved on to blogger.com and currently have one post there ;)

So, will I be posting more frequently there?
Well... I can't really promise anything, but I think so. I'll backling to this blogg, but I'm feeling pretty sure I'm not coming back here. I will leave this for a while though, since there are a few people who actually read here from time to time.
On that blogg, I will only write in english by the way, live with it.

So, so long for here, see you over there =)

I should:
¤ Call E and go over, I'm gonna pin in a top for her and then fix it for tonight.
¤ get dressed... still wearing PJ's and it's almost 4PM...
¤ get some writing done on the stuff I got back from my beta
¤ clean up the mess of a house i live in
¤ load the pictures I took yesterday, of D fishing with his granma, and my feet in the sun...

We're going out tonight. Don't particularlu feel like it, surprise surprise, but I guess there's nothing i can do, a promise is a promise. I really should make an effort to not be so freakin unsocial all the time.
D is playing Dungeons & Dragons with his friends, in a local bombshelter, burried under ground...
I was semi-productive... I loaded all glasses into the dishwasher, loaded and started the washing mashine and then even hung the laundry when it was done.

and I am back to life... almost. I still feel like I have to catch up on a lot of missed rest and sleep, but I suppose it'll settle itself durring the coming weekend. The Championships went really good. A few major glitches, a few minor, but all in all a success (at least if viewed from someone outside the staff's perspective). The club's big star became Finnish Champion in his weight-class for third year in a row. YAY!!! The rest of our guys didn't do so good, but they tried their best.
Someone asked me if it was fun. My honest answer was: No, not while I was up in it. There wasn't really any time to just sit down and enjoy the fights going on.

However, there were a few bright spots:

¤ the special Championships! I have never seen such joy radiating from competitors! These guys were handicaped in non-physical ways (hard to explain) and they were all from Blind to Downs Syndrome and everything in between. I still marvel at their fighting spirit and the good sportsmanship they had. None of that crap "real" competitors keep doing.

¤Park Hotel. They were willing to comply with every crazy idea/demand we came up with. Nothing was a problem.

¤the soup! It was a life-saver after a day on the run, working here, running there, doing this, doing that.

¤Thomas! another life-saver, bringing a scale with him from Sweden when we found out the ones we had did not weigh the same... We could not have pulled this off without him!

OK, so I will (again) try to be more active here. I will honestly make an effort this time *eye roll* it's just that there isn't very much to write about going on in my life. Well, maybe there are, but I can talk to those of you who are concerned with it in other ways than this. I work, I come home and eat, I go to training, I come home and shower and go to bed...
Well, maybe that's changing now. Bootcamp ends next Tuesday, and I've decided to quit Judo for the time being. My knee keeps being a pain in the butt, and they are now prepping for the NatWest Island Games, so there really will not be any training that I will be able to do. I'll just spend half the time on the bench. And since that's the case, I'd rather take a 1,5 hour walk. Or do whatever. So, now you know...

Ja, vi hittade ju hem från New York, men bloggen blev 'en aning' bortglömd....
Här kommer lite bilder i alla fall. Resten finns på Facebook.

Well... we're back from New York/the honeymoon, but the blog's been 'a little' neglected...
At least, here's some pictures. More on Facebook.

I'm putting this blog thing on hold... indefinently...

I'm sorry, but my addiction for all things Twilight makes other things trivial. From discussing this with other Twi-junkies I've learned that the first rush will ease after about half a year, but it can take up to one and a half to be fully functional again.
If you want to see that I still live, I'll update my FanFics as often as I can (or feel like if I don't get reviews) I am currently very active at following sites:
the Lex  in the boards
FanFiction.net as a writer
Twilightmoms.com  in the forums
I'll come back to the blog when I start having something non-Twilight to write.

Yesterday we went to Eckerö when I quited work, and stayed there all evening. When we got home we just parked by the computers, him by the stationary, me in the couch with the laptop.
When Windows made updates at 3 am we realized how late it was and immediately went to bed.
Do I need to say we slept in today? =)
Daniel has some plans for the day/evening but I'll just stay home writing. I don't know how good, or bad, my fanfic really is, since I haven't got any reviews yet, but I hope I'll get some so that I can improve my writing.

Geez... I really, really should be in bed by now =)
That's what you get for hanging in Forums on the other side of the globe...
We're not exactly active at the same time...

So, last one down...
The spell isn't completely broken, but I don't think it will ever be.
I ordered the books today, I can't spend my existence waiting for that darn bookshop to call me. They should arrive in Åbo on Friday, possibly next Monday. Then I'll get to read them "for real".

Since I read a review containing spoilers, my choice, I already knew what was going to happened, but I think that is for the best. Then I could hold on to the fact that it would be OK in the end, when I cried so hard I was sure I was gonna be dehydrated. Being to exhausted to do nothing but read today, that's what I've done. Reading and crying...

I cried my heart out when Bella and Edward went on their honeymoon (why do you think I'm worried about my own?) of course I cried my self silly over the wedding, I thought that was apparent already after eclipse. When she discovers her pregnancy I cry, and I cannot hold back my tears reading Jacobs views of her while being so. Of course the delivery started my up again =) Then I was fine, really fine for a long, long time. 'till the end actually, when she prepares to leave Nessie forever.

All of this comes down to this; I've lost a child once. She wasn't mine biologically, but it didn't matter, she was mine all the same. In a certain way at least. I don't believe those scars will ever truly heal, and therefor children, having them, not having them and loosing them will always be a sore spot for me.

I've figured out why eclipse was so unbelievably hard in the end for me, to. I remembered reading about the movie on IMDB and there were a FAQ called "How can vampires become parents" where SM described how it worked. Knowing that, and seeing Bellas intentions, I was hoping for a baby before the end of the book. When I realized that wasn't gonna happened I started mourning for the children she would never have. I truly believed she would give Edward a child and die in the process, but making him promise to live for the child.

I'm gonna TRY to stop obsessing about the books now, but will give no guaranties. There will probably come more after I've read them for real =)

I'm done reading twilight and new moon now. It's been horrible, by the way I also read the draft of midnight sun from SM's homepage, I detest reading on the computer!!!
I didn't quite get the same feeling for these two books, mainly because they weren't books at all... I also felt they didn't display as much emotion as eclipse, but then again, in new moon Bella don't display much of anything =)

So, about a week after I started reading it the first time, I've begun eclipse again... Only because there were so many things I missed in the beginning that I wanna clear out. I can also see that I did Edward injustice, but then again I was aware of that the first time too. I'm still in love with Jacob thou, don't ever doubt that. But I got to admit, he got some competition from Seth, just 'cause he was so brave in the fight against Victoria =)
However, eclipse will NOT be read on the computer (wohoo!) since I have it as a book. Therefor I'll probably finish it in the same time it's took me to read the two before it, even tough it's twice the size. I mean, come on, how can it take me 8 hours to read a 300 page book? Or pdf as the case is here, I'll have to re-read them as soon as the books comes home, just so I can get the feeling right.

I enjoyed the draft for midnight sun enormously. Very surprisingly I might add, since I spent the first half of eclipse thinking ha was an enormous, controlling a*hole. I had hard feelings even after he started behaving himself. So I was genuinely surprised to see that I actually started to like Edward after reading this and I really enjoyed to get a better view and understanding of his family.
I was really sad to read that it might not be finished, ever =( I hope it will, and of course I will keep an eye in the web page to see if it does.

For some reason I'm crying again *deep sigh*
And I'm starting to believe it's the books after all,  since when I counted I realized that because of them I slept in 5-6 nights what you should sleep in 2... Like I've said before, shouldn't spend the night reading when you have a early morning the day after =) Friday was utterly hopeless, anyone starting crying over decoration candles in the supermarket gotten be at least half mental... I think my eyes filled up over 40 times that afternoon, god thing I quit work early on Fridays =)

I wish I lived in the US when I read on the homepage about all the events around the books. Then again, probably not worth it moving so far away just 'cause of some books I'm supposedly to old to read. Young adults I believe they're classified as, well at least better than here where they go as children/youth books. I stopped reading in that section of the library when I was 11...

The author still has me awestruck with the way her writing plays on my emotions and brain-sensors. It's very hard for me to accept that someone who has no idea that I exist can affect me so much. I start to realize it's probably 'cause I felt a lot like Bella when I was younger, but I had no Alice, Jacob, Edward or Angela to pick up the pieces. I fell apart, loosing myself for not just months but for several years. The only reason I did not kill myself then was that I could not find a way definitive enough. If I was going to do it, I had to be sure there would be no saving me. I knew it would kill my mother do see me have taken my life, and I would not want to wake up and see the disappointment in her eyes. But when my depressions strike hard not even I wanna be around me, so I can absolutely understand that all those I thought of as friends left.

*just to point out, I'm crying my eyes out thinking and writing about this*

I had no idea that after 9 years it could still hurt so much. That it still going on. But instead of letting my friends see me depressed now, I prefer to avoid them until it passes. Since I'm social in periods, they are use to me ignoring them from time to time. My busy training schedule doesn't work in the favor of having a social life either =)

I just had a revelation about why these books touch me so badly.
Why they make me feel so utterly lonely and empty. i have a few girlfriends and of course my husband to be, but the last one is the only who really knows my soul. I fear so much to let anyone in, it hurt to much that time so long ago to be left by all those who meant something to me. So I rather seem to let people know me shallowly, never letting them see my pain. Understand the confusion of my colleges at work when I broke down crying on the phone with the doctors office in the beginning of this summer.

Hmmm... I think this will have to be enough for now.
Don't have tears left to think more about this.
My only hope is that after finaly finishing breaking dawn the spell will be broken and I'll be able to function normaly. Because if this is a product of my hormones (which I am afraid it is) then it's going to keep reeking havoc on my mental state for quite some time to come, and I don't think I'm up for that...

So, still spellbound...
But for some reason it has been easier today, not so all consuming as it has been since last Sunday when I started reading. It might be because I read a review of breaking dawn that were full of spoilers (I didn't care) so I'm now less anxious about Bella's faith.

But honestly? I think it's 'cause I got to write it out. This is so hard to describe, and even harder to describe in swedish (ha,ha, can't find the words in my own language) to people who just don't care for the fantasy genre, which is basically all my friends. Doesn't make it better that I start to cry, thinking about the books...
Now  that has nothing to do with the books really, even though I cried throughout the last quarter of eclipse. That I believe has to do with the decision Bella and Edward made to get married, since I've got my own wedding coming up on Christmas eve.

So I'm gonna write more, to humor myself, since this isn't a very well visited page (according to my statistics) and I really don't care if anyone wants to read about it =)

I'm going to list why I think I relate so much to some of the characters in eclipse:

Bella:
Well, first of all, I'm a girl =) I'm clumsy, stumble alot (currently having a sprained ankle to prove it), I have a lot of her dilemmas which I don't wanna focus on here and last I have depressions. They're not so bad as they once were, since I found out why I have them (PCO) and could stop worrying that I was mano-depressive.
Some of the situations this girl puts her self in feels very familiar. The wonderful gift of getting so angry I start to cry I wouldn't mind loosing.

Jacob:
OK, I admit, I fell in love with him immediately. Since he shares so many traits with the man I'm marrying in 10 weeks, maybe thats not so hard to understand =) Haven't seen him turn into a wolf yet thou =)

Rosalie:
Chocker? She dislikes Bella for giving up the possibility to have children, since she suffer from being deprived of that possibility herself. With the PCO making my life a misery (some days) I can absolutely understand her longing for children and can only imagine how it must feel to know that you'll live with that forever =..(

Edward:
He reminds me of a friend who seem to believe that I'm a delicate flower... Ofcourse he's the perfect gentleman to all females, but he always hold us (me and the rest of the girls) a bit higher in reguard and seems bent on protecting us from all the dangers presented on a nightclub dancefloor, like elbows, jumping people, drinks on the danceflor splashing around and so on and so on...

I'm not sure why, but I'm totaly spellbound.

First some explanations:
1. I bought this book last time I went to Åbo, since my dvd-player felt like being out of order. When I saw that it was book number 3 I decided to not read it untill I got my hands on the books preceding it. The other book I bought  didn't hold my interest so I began reading "Eclipse" anyway. And like I said, I was spellbound =)
2. Why write this in english? Because the book is in english and therefor also my thougts about it. I'm completly fluent in the language, I read it as quickly as swedish and have caught myself from time to time thinking in english.

I've been "bookworming" for more than 15 years and never, ever been this touched buy an author. Sure, I don't give the story that much credit ("worming" for all those years, seen this, read that) it's just a lovestory, although a very thrilling and exiting one =)

But the way she writes? That's what keeps me awake at night, reading when I should be sleeping! No good, staying up with a book till 2 am when your wake-up call is around 5.30..

My prefered reading is fantasy, followed by sci-fi and mythology. During "worming" lapses I will devour (the term for bookworm in swedish translates in to the more correctly book-devourer) anything that crosses my path, so I've really tried all genres.
I have a vivid imagination, and usually paint beautiful scenarios in my head as I read. This time I didn't get to do the painting, I was blown away by the strength of the images passing in the back of my head as I read the book.
Although I missed a great deal about the situations because I hadn't read the first two books I loved it.  I've never seen images so clearly the first time I read a book. Yes, I'm a re-reader, if I like a book it will be read back to back many, many times.

But I did have one major error. I was convinced for almost a quarter of the book that "la push" was some nightclub that Jacob and his friends were hanging out at  =D  Laughed myself silly over that one *still felling very lol about it*

So what do you do when someone play your brainsensors like that? For the first time ever, I felt I wanted to write to the author and thank her for giving me this experience. It was something I didn't even know I missed in my life. I don't think I will ever be able to live without it now.
Checking out the official website of Stephenie Meyer, and reading her own words about creating "Twilight" I realised that there were the same way of painting in my brain being used there. I laughed so hard that my fiance's flat-mates started to wonder if I was sitting in his room getting drunk all by my self... *sometimes I'm really marvel with people who should know me better...*

I also realised I wasn't the first person to discover her greatness *lol* To my disapointment there were no fan-mail, or even link there of. Scanning the website I later found that there just had been to much mail for her to take care of =)  But still, I feel a need to express my gratitude. I felt really deflatet when I realised I wouldn't be able to do that directly.
Well, since this seems to be the only way for me to do so, I'll post it here in my own blogg, pestering the few readers I have with it.
Of course I cant stop here =) I'll probably send an e-mail to the webmaster (who happens to be her brother) with a link to this entry. I do believe it will end up in his "junkmail"-folder, but hey, can't blame a girl for trying.

I can also say that I'm in agony, waiting for the three other books to arrive, the bookstore had to order dem, and their supplier seemed to be out of them and so on and so on. *deep sigh* My yearning for these books are as strong as Bellas's craving for Edwards (aw, if you've read the last quarter of eclipse, you'll know what I mean) capitulation. I need them desperatly.
And NO, the translation will not do! I do not trust anyone who translates:
"twilight"        -> "if I could dream"
"new moon"   -> "when I hear your voice"
"eclipse"       -> "the sound of your heart"
I love Stephenies way of words, I think that for me, the magic would be lost in translation.

And to finnish of; my story of reading...
One of the first days in school they tested our reading abilities together with spelling and counting. I was given the easiest reading book, and did poorly with it. One day, a few weeks later, one of the girls let me see her book (the most difficult one) and I marched up to my teacher, convincing him to give me that one instead. I succeded, and my reading improved rapidly. I didn't give a *blip* about the facts, which the easiest book consisted of, I wanted the story =) My spelling didn't improve at all, I'm so terrible at grammar to this day it's unbelievable I graduated elementary school at all.

I'll post a few links, just to make everything so much more confusing =)
www.stepheniemeyer.com/twilight        the official website
www.spellcheck.net     Hey, I'm all but completly useless att spelling
www.google.fi           google...