Ninna

I'm putting this blog thing on hold... indefinently...

I'm sorry, but my addiction for all things Twilight makes other things trivial. From discussing this with other Twi-junkies I've learned that the first rush will ease after about half a year, but it can take up to one and a half to be fully functional again.
If you want to see that I still live, I'll update my FanFics as often as I can (or feel like if I don't get reviews) I am currently very active at following sites:
the Lex  in the boards
FanFiction.net as a writer
Twilightmoms.com  in the forums
I'll come back to the blog when I start having something non-Twilight to write.

Yesterday we went to Eckerö when I quited work, and stayed there all evening. When we got home we just parked by the computers, him by the stationary, me in the couch with the laptop.
When Windows made updates at 3 am we realized how late it was and immediately went to bed.
Do I need to say we slept in today? =)
Daniel has some plans for the day/evening but I'll just stay home writing. I don't know how good, or bad, my fanfic really is, since I haven't got any reviews yet, but I hope I'll get some so that I can improve my writing.

Geez... I really, really should be in bed by now =)
That's what you get for hanging in Forums on the other side of the globe...
We're not exactly active at the same time...

Or somewhat like it at least.
Don't think I'm gonna give up this writing in english for a while tough, feels nice. Been a long time since I actually wrote something (at all...) in this language. My spelling is horrific, thank you God for creating the creators of SpellCheck and Nordsted's dictionary they are lifesavers!

I stayed at home today to, even tough I never got really sick yesterday. Still I was exhausted when I woke up. Called the others at work (they started early) who told me to stay at home since there were no work today =)

Right now I'm trying to cure my "Twilight obsession" by joining a discussion board: the Twilight Lexicon. It's very new to my, very different form of forum than I'm used to. I do try thou.

So, last one down...
The spell isn't completely broken, but I don't think it will ever be.
I ordered the books today, I can't spend my existence waiting for that darn bookshop to call me. They should arrive in Åbo on Friday, possibly next Monday. Then I'll get to read them "for real".

Since I read a review containing spoilers, my choice, I already knew what was going to happened, but I think that is for the best. Then I could hold on to the fact that it would be OK in the end, when I cried so hard I was sure I was gonna be dehydrated. Being to exhausted to do nothing but read today, that's what I've done. Reading and crying...

I cried my heart out when Bella and Edward went on their honeymoon (why do you think I'm worried about my own?) of course I cried my self silly over the wedding, I thought that was apparent already after eclipse. When she discovers her pregnancy I cry, and I cannot hold back my tears reading Jacobs views of her while being so. Of course the delivery started my up again =) Then I was fine, really fine for a long, long time. 'till the end actually, when she prepares to leave Nessie forever.

All of this comes down to this; I've lost a child once. She wasn't mine biologically, but it didn't matter, she was mine all the same. In a certain way at least. I don't believe those scars will ever truly heal, and therefor children, having them, not having them and loosing them will always be a sore spot for me.

I've figured out why eclipse was so unbelievably hard in the end for me, to. I remembered reading about the movie on IMDB and there were a FAQ called "How can vampires become parents" where SM described how it worked. Knowing that, and seeing Bellas intentions, I was hoping for a baby before the end of the book. When I realized that wasn't gonna happened I started mourning for the children she would never have. I truly believed she would give Edward a child and die in the process, but making him promise to live for the child.

I'm gonna TRY to stop obsessing about the books now, but will give no guaranties. There will probably come more after I've read them for real =)

Så, jag hann jobba 2 timmar och en kvart innan jag for hem idag =(
Nog för att min mage har varit suspekt hela morgonen, men trodde bara att jag hade svalt en massa luft (nu igen) men när jag höll på att spy över sista returerna jag räknade bestämde jag att det fick vara nog. Ingen ide att smitta de andra om jag råkat få magsjuka.
Nu har jag kommit hem och nästan storknat av lukten från gårdagens middag, vilket ledde till att fönster och balkongdörr åkte upp hastigt.
Sen har jag skrubbat toaletterna... Kanske inte vad den normala magsjuka människan gör, men sen har jag aldrig platsat i normal-kategorin förut heller så... Jag tycker att det är så äckligt att spy i en ofräsch toalett...
Måste sitta och andas lite nu, toa-rengöringen luktade *ryser* hemskt. Därför passar jag på att blogga, för sen kommer jag att bli trött, och just nu behöver jag tänka på annat än om jag mår illa eller inte...
Ska just gå och ta en varm dusch, har jag någonting i magen som orsakar det här så kommer det komma upp då, och sen börjar jag må bättre.

So, 2 hours and 15 minutes after starting work today, I went home again =(
My stomach's been upset all morning but I reckoned it was only me swallowing a lot of air during fidgeting and crying yesterday that was the problem. Changed my mind after almost trowing up over the last returns I counted and decided to go home so that I don't give the others the stomach flu if that's what I've got.
After coming home and almost choked from the smell of yesterdays dinner, the windows and the balcony door are now open wide.
Then I scrubbed the toilettes... Maybe not what "normal" people do when sick, but then again, I've never claimed to be normal... I just think it's disgusting having to trow up in a unfresch toilette...
I just got to sit for the moment, and breathe some cool air, the toilette cleaner smelled *shudder* awful. That's why I'm making an entry now, afterwards I'm going to be so tired, and right now I need something else on my mind than if I'm feeling nauseous or not...
Gonna go take a hot shower soon, if there's anything in my stomach causing this, that'll make it come up, and then I'll feel better.

I'm done reading twilight and new moon now. It's been horrible, by the way I also read the draft of midnight sun from SM's homepage, I detest reading on the computer!!!
I didn't quite get the same feeling for these two books, mainly because they weren't books at all... I also felt they didn't display as much emotion as eclipse, but then again, in new moon Bella don't display much of anything =)

So, about a week after I started reading it the first time, I've begun eclipse again... Only because there were so many things I missed in the beginning that I wanna clear out. I can also see that I did Edward injustice, but then again I was aware of that the first time too. I'm still in love with Jacob thou, don't ever doubt that. But I got to admit, he got some competition from Seth, just 'cause he was so brave in the fight against Victoria =)
However, eclipse will NOT be read on the computer (wohoo!) since I have it as a book. Therefor I'll probably finish it in the same time it's took me to read the two before it, even tough it's twice the size. I mean, come on, how can it take me 8 hours to read a 300 page book? Or pdf as the case is here, I'll have to re-read them as soon as the books comes home, just so I can get the feeling right.

I enjoyed the draft for midnight sun enormously. Very surprisingly I might add, since I spent the first half of eclipse thinking ha was an enormous, controlling a*hole. I had hard feelings even after he started behaving himself. So I was genuinely surprised to see that I actually started to like Edward after reading this and I really enjoyed to get a better view and understanding of his family.
I was really sad to read that it might not be finished, ever =( I hope it will, and of course I will keep an eye in the web page to see if it does.

For some reason I'm crying again *deep sigh*
And I'm starting to believe it's the books after all,  since when I counted I realized that because of them I slept in 5-6 nights what you should sleep in 2... Like I've said before, shouldn't spend the night reading when you have a early morning the day after =) Friday was utterly hopeless, anyone starting crying over decoration candles in the supermarket gotten be at least half mental... I think my eyes filled up over 40 times that afternoon, god thing I quit work early on Fridays =)

I wish I lived in the US when I read on the homepage about all the events around the books. Then again, probably not worth it moving so far away just 'cause of some books I'm supposedly to old to read. Young adults I believe they're classified as, well at least better than here where they go as children/youth books. I stopped reading in that section of the library when I was 11...

The author still has me awestruck with the way her writing plays on my emotions and brain-sensors. It's very hard for me to accept that someone who has no idea that I exist can affect me so much. I start to realize it's probably 'cause I felt a lot like Bella when I was younger, but I had no Alice, Jacob, Edward or Angela to pick up the pieces. I fell apart, loosing myself for not just months but for several years. The only reason I did not kill myself then was that I could not find a way definitive enough. If I was going to do it, I had to be sure there would be no saving me. I knew it would kill my mother do see me have taken my life, and I would not want to wake up and see the disappointment in her eyes. But when my depressions strike hard not even I wanna be around me, so I can absolutely understand that all those I thought of as friends left.

*just to point out, I'm crying my eyes out thinking and writing about this*

I had no idea that after 9 years it could still hurt so much. That it still going on. But instead of letting my friends see me depressed now, I prefer to avoid them until it passes. Since I'm social in periods, they are use to me ignoring them from time to time. My busy training schedule doesn't work in the favor of having a social life either =)

I just had a revelation about why these books touch me so badly.
Why they make me feel so utterly lonely and empty. i have a few girlfriends and of course my husband to be, but the last one is the only who really knows my soul. I fear so much to let anyone in, it hurt to much that time so long ago to be left by all those who meant something to me. So I rather seem to let people know me shallowly, never letting them see my pain. Understand the confusion of my colleges at work when I broke down crying on the phone with the doctors office in the beginning of this summer.

Hmmm... I think this will have to be enough for now.
Don't have tears left to think more about this.
My only hope is that after finaly finishing breaking dawn the spell will be broken and I'll be able to function normaly. Because if this is a product of my hormones (which I am afraid it is) then it's going to keep reeking havoc on my mental state for quite some time to come, and I don't think I'm up for that...

So, still spellbound...
But for some reason it has been easier today, not so all consuming as it has been since last Sunday when I started reading. It might be because I read a review of breaking dawn that were full of spoilers (I didn't care) so I'm now less anxious about Bella's faith.

But honestly? I think it's 'cause I got to write it out. This is so hard to describe, and even harder to describe in swedish (ha,ha, can't find the words in my own language) to people who just don't care for the fantasy genre, which is basically all my friends. Doesn't make it better that I start to cry, thinking about the books...
Now  that has nothing to do with the books really, even though I cried throughout the last quarter of eclipse. That I believe has to do with the decision Bella and Edward made to get married, since I've got my own wedding coming up on Christmas eve.

So I'm gonna write more, to humor myself, since this isn't a very well visited page (according to my statistics) and I really don't care if anyone wants to read about it =)

I'm going to list why I think I relate so much to some of the characters in eclipse:

Bella:
Well, first of all, I'm a girl =) I'm clumsy, stumble alot (currently having a sprained ankle to prove it), I have a lot of her dilemmas which I don't wanna focus on here and last I have depressions. They're not so bad as they once were, since I found out why I have them (PCO) and could stop worrying that I was mano-depressive.
Some of the situations this girl puts her self in feels very familiar. The wonderful gift of getting so angry I start to cry I wouldn't mind loosing.

Jacob:
OK, I admit, I fell in love with him immediately. Since he shares so many traits with the man I'm marrying in 10 weeks, maybe thats not so hard to understand =) Haven't seen him turn into a wolf yet thou =)

Rosalie:
Chocker? She dislikes Bella for giving up the possibility to have children, since she suffer from being deprived of that possibility herself. With the PCO making my life a misery (some days) I can absolutely understand her longing for children and can only imagine how it must feel to know that you'll live with that forever =..(

Edward:
He reminds me of a friend who seem to believe that I'm a delicate flower... Ofcourse he's the perfect gentleman to all females, but he always hold us (me and the rest of the girls) a bit higher in reguard and seems bent on protecting us from all the dangers presented on a nightclub dancefloor, like elbows, jumping people, drinks on the danceflor splashing around and so on and so on...

I'm not sure why, but I'm totaly spellbound.

First some explanations:
1. I bought this book last time I went to Åbo, since my dvd-player felt like being out of order. When I saw that it was book number 3 I decided to not read it untill I got my hands on the books preceding it. The other book I bought  didn't hold my interest so I began reading "Eclipse" anyway. And like I said, I was spellbound =)
2. Why write this in english? Because the book is in english and therefor also my thougts about it. I'm completly fluent in the language, I read it as quickly as swedish and have caught myself from time to time thinking in english.

I've been "bookworming" for more than 15 years and never, ever been this touched buy an author. Sure, I don't give the story that much credit ("worming" for all those years, seen this, read that) it's just a lovestory, although a very thrilling and exiting one =)

But the way she writes? That's what keeps me awake at night, reading when I should be sleeping! No good, staying up with a book till 2 am when your wake-up call is around 5.30..

My prefered reading is fantasy, followed by sci-fi and mythology. During "worming" lapses I will devour (the term for bookworm in swedish translates in to the more correctly book-devourer) anything that crosses my path, so I've really tried all genres.
I have a vivid imagination, and usually paint beautiful scenarios in my head as I read. This time I didn't get to do the painting, I was blown away by the strength of the images passing in the back of my head as I read the book.
Although I missed a great deal about the situations because I hadn't read the first two books I loved it.  I've never seen images so clearly the first time I read a book. Yes, I'm a re-reader, if I like a book it will be read back to back many, many times.

But I did have one major error. I was convinced for almost a quarter of the book that "la push" was some nightclub that Jacob and his friends were hanging out at  =D  Laughed myself silly over that one *still felling very lol about it*

So what do you do when someone play your brainsensors like that? For the first time ever, I felt I wanted to write to the author and thank her for giving me this experience. It was something I didn't even know I missed in my life. I don't think I will ever be able to live without it now.
Checking out the official website of Stephenie Meyer, and reading her own words about creating "Twilight" I realised that there were the same way of painting in my brain being used there. I laughed so hard that my fiance's flat-mates started to wonder if I was sitting in his room getting drunk all by my self... *sometimes I'm really marvel with people who should know me better...*

I also realised I wasn't the first person to discover her greatness *lol* To my disapointment there were no fan-mail, or even link there of. Scanning the website I later found that there just had been to much mail for her to take care of =)  But still, I feel a need to express my gratitude. I felt really deflatet when I realised I wouldn't be able to do that directly.
Well, since this seems to be the only way for me to do so, I'll post it here in my own blogg, pestering the few readers I have with it.
Of course I cant stop here =) I'll probably send an e-mail to the webmaster (who happens to be her brother) with a link to this entry. I do believe it will end up in his "junkmail"-folder, but hey, can't blame a girl for trying.

I can also say that I'm in agony, waiting for the three other books to arrive, the bookstore had to order dem, and their supplier seemed to be out of them and so on and so on. *deep sigh* My yearning for these books are as strong as Bellas's craving for Edwards (aw, if you've read the last quarter of eclipse, you'll know what I mean) capitulation. I need them desperatly.
And NO, the translation will not do! I do not trust anyone who translates:
"twilight"        -> "if I could dream"
"new moon"   -> "when I hear your voice"
"eclipse"       -> "the sound of your heart"
I love Stephenies way of words, I think that for me, the magic would be lost in translation.

And to finnish of; my story of reading...
One of the first days in school they tested our reading abilities together with spelling and counting. I was given the easiest reading book, and did poorly with it. One day, a few weeks later, one of the girls let me see her book (the most difficult one) and I marched up to my teacher, convincing him to give me that one instead. I succeded, and my reading improved rapidly. I didn't give a *blip* about the facts, which the easiest book consisted of, I wanted the story =) My spelling didn't improve at all, I'm so terrible at grammar to this day it's unbelievable I graduated elementary school at all.

I'll post a few links, just to make everything so much more confusing =)
www.stepheniemeyer.com/twilight        the official website
www.spellcheck.net     Hey, I'm all but completly useless att spelling
www.google.fi           google...

Ännu en måndag över =)
I slutet på förra veckan kom den bindande offerten från holmbergs, eftersom vi nu är tre lägenheter så slutade det ca 150€ billigare än i somras, så långt allt nice. MEN det är ca 10 veckors leveranstid...
om 10 veckor är det den 22:a december... *suck* jag som hade hoppats att det skulle vara klart innan bröllopet, vi hade ju tänkt fixa upp det lite och ställa ut tvn dit så barnen skulle få se på film ifred. Eftersom jag hade tänkt fixa fint i sovrummet inför bröllopsnatten kan jag inte låta dem vara där inne heller =(
Det som suger mest är ju att det blir såhär för att husbolagets styrelse inte fått tummen ur arslet. Jag fick preliminära offerten för 3 månader sen! *mutter, mummel, fula ord*

Så var man hemma igen då.
Det är nog lite skönt endå, fast det kändes som att helgen var jättekort.
Konstig faktiskt, den brukar kännas lång när jag far till åbo, måste vara för att vi inte gjorde nått, bara såg på tv hela dan och sen var vi och käkade med ewert och hem till honom på lite bibelstudier samt läskande drycker =D
Det måste varit barn-rea på viking, det var hur mycket barn som helst på båten.
Krykan lämnade jag ju hemma, kändes bara som det skulle bli jobbigt att ha den med. Samt stor risk att jag skulle glömma den någonstanns. Efterklok kan jag konstatera att jag borde ha haft den med, hade så ont i min fot igår när vi gick hem, den var inte riktigt glad idag heller. För tillfället pratar vi inte med varandra eftersom den bara säger fula ord åt mig...
Såg just Tony vinna "Singing Bee" i reprisen på 3:an. Najs!!! För inte hejade väll jag på ålänningen heller, det var absolut inte enbart därför jag satte igång tv'n när jag kom hem. Nu ska jag se "dragonhunters" på datorn, nån tecknad film som jim tipsade mig om.

Norsk ärftlighetslära:
"Om dina föräldrar inte fått några barn, är det stor risk att du inte heller får några..."
man bara måste älska forum som heter "sandlådan" och trådarna där i =D

=) jag kan halta och hoppa på ett ben iallafall. Var till Mickiz efter jobbet och lånade en krycka, tack älskling! Och busade med flickorna såklart. Fick puss av dem båda, Amanda skulle pussa på kinden men Pauline var inte så kinkig, hon grabbade tag runt mina höfter och tryckte en stor blöt puss rätt i ljumsken på mig (samtidigt som hon pruttade, hon var väldigt stolt över det...)
Skulle varit på vattengympa imorse, men mormor tyckte tydligen annorlunda. Hur kan man annat se det, jag hade 2 väckarklockor på ringning och ingen av dem ringde. Vaknade 7.42, skulle vaknat 5.30 och börjar jobba 8.00 *panik...* Hann i tid dock, fast var inte på plats före 5 över, tog en stund att halta dit =)
Seija var in till jobbet idag, men hon kom inte och hälsade enns. Den 3:e november ska hon vara tillbaka, men jag ska fortsätta vara ansvarig. Känns faktiskt väldigt skönt för oss allihop med alla ändringar som gjorts i datasystemen.
Var på bootcamp idag, nej jag skulle inte träna, hade fortfarande arbetskläderna på mig.  Kunde jag sitta stilla och titta på när musiken väl startade? Nä-eh... var iaf lite duktig och gjorde inget där man stod upp, satt på rumpan och gjorde sånt.

ungefär så känns det ja!
Vrikade foten under uppvärmningen idag =( ordentligt...
Så det blir inga nya skor för mig, istället ska det införskaffas fotleds-stöd. Nå, efter att ringen har kommit/blivit betald kanske jag har råd med dem, men det beror helt på vad priset slutar på...
Fast det känns så bittert, imorgon ska vi krypa och kräla för första gången på bootcampen, och det SKA jag vara med på!!! Fast det lär nog bli med smärta, svett och tårar kan jag meddela redan nu... Min lilla fot kommer inte att uppskatta att bli hoppad på i en hel timme, fast iof, vi skulle ju krypa och kräla en del =)
Nu ska jag tycka synd om mig själv, och hålla foten i högläge

Jag är övertygad om att det är vad jag har! För NÄR det funkar, så funkar det hur bra som helst! Men när det inte funkar så... ja *suck* då vet ni alla hur det blir =)
Körde just Daniel till båten, jisses vad det blåser. Sen var jag till sparhallen och lämnade kartong i deras sortering, men sen när jag skulle in och handla var det svart (strömavbrott...) och jag glömde helt vad jag skulle ha, var fundersam om de skulle ta kort fast reserv-aggregatet är igång, och kom därifrån med Ländia-kokosbollar och choklad...
Var ut till systeryster igår, kollade genom jultidningskatalogen. Det fanns knappt nått som var något att ha, bara en massa häften med paller. När jag sålde för typ 15 år sen, så var det iallafall böcker bland utbudet, nästan hälften när jag tänker på det. Beställde några tidningar och en kokbok. Var inte där så länge, de höll på att lägga plåttak på garaget.
Ska försöka hitta någon inspiration till att göra något, men det är svårt =)
Skulle kolla upp om puma skorna jag hittade på sportcenter fanns billigare på nätet, jo tjena, de gick inte att hitta alls... *suck* antagligen är de så gamal modell att de inte finns mer =(

Allt kändes lite bättre idag. Var upp till Johanna med blomma, nallehäst och kortet. Hon var trött (doh) och lite borta, skulle nog jag oxå va. Hon hoppades på att få fara hem på måndag. Vilken plåga det måste vara att ligga inlagd när man avskyr sjukhus, jag skulle väll iof inte ha något problem alls =) men jag gillar dem juh.
Var till Cirkeln och hittade en stol som Anita kan ha åt poppan, en sån som man spänner fast på en vanlig köks stol, den kostade hela 2€.
Så när jag ringde för att berätta det fick jag veta att daniel kommer hem inatt =D
Ska ut till syster yster imorgon förmiddag och på kvällen ska jag se på film med erica. Det är väldigt länge sen vi gjorde det sist. Har för mig att det var Dune vi skulle se.
De har varit här och mätt upp balkongen, vill veta nu NU nu vad det blir att kosta och när de kommer och gör det! En lägenhet till hoppade på, så nu är vi 3 som glasar in =)
Är borttappad i huvudet, värre än vanligt.

Det blir lätt så när en av de första man träffar vid 8 säger, nej men guuud vad du ser trött och sliten ut. Jag mådde finfint tills dess, sen började jag känna mig hängig... Till slut (fick fler liknande kommentarer) måste jag ju kolla mig i spegeln -> världens påsar under ögonen *suck* antagligen för att jag hade så torra ögon imorse, försökte blinka, men det gick inte. Ögonlocket satt fast, mysigt, behövdes mycket ögondroppar för att det skulle bli bra.

Varit i dimmorna på jobbet, det känns som det börjar bli liiite för mycket otur i min närhet:
2 veckor sen, ett kompispar splittar
3 dagar sen,  fick veta att en på jobbets make dog oväntat
Idag fick jag veta att en som jobbar uppe hos oss var med om en olycka, allvarlig olycka igår. Blev opererad omedelbart, och saknar numera vissa innre organ =(

Slutade 14 och lyckades faktiskt få en hel del gjort. OK, jag erkänner, gjorde lista på jobbet, höll ändå på att glömma grejjer... Men men, bara att surfa hårförlängnings-sidor kvar.
Jag var till möbelreturen i jakt på ett litet vitt skåp (till gula toaletten) och en stooor hörnsoffa. for hem med ett symaskinsbord =) det var helt underbart, visserligen går det inte att fästa min maskin på det som man kan med orginalmaskinen (som medföljde, ca 35-40 år gammal bernina) men det funkar bra endå =) däremot ska den inte stå i hallen, det är bara för tillfället.
Gjorde ett litet kollage:
1. skåpet hopfällt
2. öppnar luckan = symaskinen
3. symaskinen på lägre nivån och botten uppfällt = benrum
4. symaskinen högst upp, bottnen fast. kolla in vikdörren förresten



På vägen hem via knegarn och tojes slutrea. Hittade ett smycke åt Nea (för att hon är brudnäbb), ett halsband/kedja av hjärtan (sååå snygg) åt mig, en fyrklöver-berlock (gudbarnet) en väsk-berlock och örhängen som matchar ett halsband jag redan har.
Var in till Lilian, hon kan sy trensar =D så jag behöver bara hitta "mitt" hår så hon vet vilken färg hon ska färga mitt i. Vilken jäkla sida var det på? minns inte...
Köpte morgongåva, skulle bli 58€ men slutade på 160... och då fick jag 23€ rabatt. Suck, jag borde inte få ha hand om mina egna pengar, det är ett som är säkert.
Tog passfoton och sprang (nästan iallafall) till polisen, fixade passet.
Vidare till megasport, behöver skor till bootcampen, får så ont i mina benhinnor av det stumma golvet =( de hade 1, ett, 1 par aerobics skor??? för 85 € kom igen! dessutom var de rosa...
Så jag gick till sportcenter istället. Deras billigaste började på 59 (se på fan) men givetvis föll jag för puma skorna för 110 *suck* nå, får ändå lite betänketid på dem, hade inte inläggen med så jag ska återkomma en annan dag och se om de får rum. antagligen lördag eller nästa vecka.